Hawaiian Reset

12 12 2024

Heeding Stanley’s advice, I began to distance myself from River.

And the therapist wasn’t the only one delivering this message. Kieran — my loyal friend all through the pandemic and beyond — was uncharacteristically blunt. He had been observing a disturbing change in me.

“He’s using you and he’ll take you down with him,” Kieran warned. “A narcissist with addiction issues is a dangerous combination.”

River had a lot of drinking buddies so replacing me in his rotation would be no problem. My sympathies for him remained and as Stanley had predicted, it hurt as I cut off communication.

Luckily for me, I had some vacation time coming that would chase my blues away. Not long after the new year, David and I traveled to Hawaii to see my cousin Rob and his wife Shelley. Empty nesters, with both kids recently graduating from college, they had graciously offered to let us stay with them during our visit.

We left Portland just as a big winter storm approached. David’s brother chained up the tires on his SUV and navigated along frozen back roads to get us to the airport. On the tarmac, crews worked hard to de-ice the plane, enabling our takeoff in what felt like a true escape from winter’s clutches.

We flew directly to Kauai, one of the less populated islands, known for its lush greenery. It had been years since I last saw Rob and Shelley. Rob grew up in Miami, went to UF and worked as a defense contractor on the technical side, even living abroad for a time in the Middle East.

Rob picked us up at the airport in his blue jeep with a orange Florida Gators logo on the side door. He had long hair and was wearing shorts, flip flops and a T-shirt. It was the classic beach bum look.

Aside from the heat, one of the first things I noticed as we left the airport, were the chickens. They were everywhere and their cock-a-doodle-dos could be heard all over the island.

Rob took us to lunch at a waterfront restaurant where at night herds of sea turtles crawled to shore.

“How’s your dad?,” he asked.

“Not good,” I replied.

My brother had recently sold dad’s truck. He was never going to drive again. The Parkinson’s was progressing and dad refusing his medications didn’t help.

After lunch, we drove on Kauai’s one main road to the southern side of the island, where Shelley welcomed us into their cozy cedar home. They had two dogs and a big backyard full of colorful flowers, plants and trees.

Fritz House

It was so peaceful and serene. Just what we needed.

“Make yourself at home,” Shelley said as she showed us to the downstairs guest room.

The walls were covered with pictures of their wedding, children and travels. You could feel love resonating through the frames.

I slept soundly that night in paradise. Something was stirring inside of me. As we would soon find out, it was the power of CAN.





Blood Brothers

21 11 2024

“All I saw was blood…blood everywhere. On the ground, all over my clothes. It was gushing out of my nose,” he said.

River’s nose had puffed up to clown size and purple bruises surrounded his left eye. He never saw it coming — walking home, listening to music with his headphones on and suddenly out of nowhere:

Shabam!

The stick smacked him across the face, knocking him to the ground and busting his nose wide open. The culprit was gone before he knew what hit him.

And yet somehow, River mustered the courage to come to work that week and clean trains in horrible pain with a fractured nose. I felt a tremendous amount of sympathy for him, knowing full well that could have been me.

But why would someone do that?

Despite my insistence, River refused to seek medical attention or file a police report. As I was quickly discovering, he seemed to detest health screenings and absolutely did not trust the police.

The attack drew me closer to River. I wanted to be there for him and I told this to Stanley, my next door neighbor psychiatrist. Stanley reminded me that I was supposed to be seeking more joy in my life and yet here I was trying to play a rescuer role.

“You can’t ‘save’ someone who does not want to be saved or feel there is a problem,” Stanley reminded me.

River liked to party and at his age who could blame him. He was quite the playboy, handsome and confident. Going out with him felt like riding shotgun with a celebrity because every bar we entered, someone there knew River.

While I reserved social outings for the weekend, River was going out nearly every night. I tried to sound the alarm about work, but he didn’t seem to care.

The job may stink now, I told him, but there were many paths within the organization that would lead to secure livability.

“You’re wasting your breath,” Stanley told me.

Stanley had been in this situation before and knew the ending.

“Why are you attracted to him?” he asked.

That was the billion dollar question.

Aside from having a savior complex, I saw a lot of my old self in River. Two decades earlier, I left my job as a sportswriter in Alabama to move to Houston, Texas to be with my first lover, Dennis.

I have never written about this time in my life. I did some things that I am not proud of. Things I wish that I had never done.

Dennis introduced me to a completely different lifestyle. A lifestyle of endless nightclub parties, rampant drug use and survival sex work.

Unpacking and acknowledging this time is important and so too is letting it go.

I saw River as a shot at redemption. He was living the same life I did and I wanted desperately to lift him out of it.

“You’re going to get hurt,” Stanley warned.

Sticks & Stones




Rolling with River

27 10 2024

With Stanley’s words ringing in my ear, I set out to find a little joy in my life.

Working the graveyard shift in the train yard made doing things on my days off a challenge. When I was up and ready to go, most people were sound asleep.

So while David slept, I put on headphones and watched a lot movies in our little studio apartment. I did some writing and cooking too and worked out in an empty gym.

But I was lonely. Very lonely.

Then one night, I came to work and everything changed.

I walked into the cleaners’ shack to find a new guy sitting at the table, staring intensely at his phone with a big backpack by his side.

A young man in his late 20s, tall and lanky with curly hair and a smooth skin tone that showed he had recently spent some time in the sun.

I sat down beside him as the other workers filed in and prepared for another tedious shift of cleaning trains. He looked up from his phone, nodded his head at me and immediately turned his attention back to the phone.

“Are you new here?,” I asked.

“Yep, first day,” he replied, without looking up while pecking away at his phone.

“Well, welcome aboard, I’m John.”

“Hey buddy, I’m River.”

I felt good energy between us. Positive vibes for sure.

After our crew meeting, the supervisor pulled me aside. A highly intelligent Navy mechanic, the sup knew how to communicate with me with little words or explanation.

“Look out for River, will ya,” he said.

“Sure thing,” I replied.

Model Cleaners

The sup informed me River would be taking the train to work too, which gave me a little more peace of mind on the commute. There was always some sort of drama on the train not to mention it had basically become a rolling homeless shelter — another casualty of Portland’s laissez faire attitude.

River’s attitude, on the other hand, was upbeat and cheerful.

He gave compliments without hesitation, was quick with a joke and talked frequently of his bold plans for the future.

“I want to own a house in different places all the world,” he told me one morning on our ride home.

“How are you going to do that?,” I asked.

“Oh, I have connections,” he grinned.

Those connections came from his previous work. It was a lifestyle that I was quite familiar with, albeit buried deep in my past.

“I was a dancer before I got this job,” he said. “Made a lot of money too, but I spent it just as fast as I made it.”

“What kind of dancing?,” I naively asked, already decided that I was going to play dumb for a while.

“Strippin’ at the bars downtown.”

As I listened, memories of my very first relationship with a man came flooding back into my consciousness like a tidal wave of emotions.

He went on, “There’s videos and pictures of me all over the internet.”

Before he could say any more, the train reached my stop and I wished River a good day.

“Get some sleep and I’ll see you later,” I said.

But I wouldn’t.

That was the night River was attacked.